fuck it

I'm so sick of trying to be positive. Words can not even begin to describe how much I hate life right now. Fuck everything.

Fuck these doctors, who act as if I'm a junkie and won't even help me with the pain even as it gets exponentially worse. Having cancer is NOT fucking drug seeking behavior you fuucking cunts! If I just wanted drugs I could get them a whole fuck of a lot cheaper than going through this bullshit. Not to mention the fact that I'm terminally fucking ill and they give me a few days paion meds and expect me to somehow make them last 3 fucking weeks. What the fuck! You know what that makes me want to do? See if there's just enough to end this shit.

FUCK. God fucking damnit I'm so fucking angry and frustrated right now. All I want out of life right now is rest and help dealing with this sh it and I can't get either. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I can accept that things happen for no reason. I've accepted that this. Is going to be a long hard road. Why the fuck can't I get just a little help with it? I'm in hell already.

adrenaline

Adrenaline pushes beyond our limits, enabling the impossible. Will power alone can make a man seem immortal, unstoppable in his righteousness. I will not fall. I refuse.

There will come a day when I can no longer stand on my own, but this is not that day. I will push myself far beyond my limits until this body fails. Even as I deteriorate my mind grows sharper. As I lay down for the last time it will be with the satisfaction that I lived as a force of nature, unrelenting until my last.

I am content.

There is so much id like to experience yet I am fine without it.

Stop asking "how can I nake it through another day?" And search for a way to help others find that answer.

Love passionately, live fiercely with out regrets, and cherish every day. You may not believe in you, but it doe3snt matter because I do.

smile

You're beautiful

the weary kind

First of all, let me apologize for the spelling, gramatical, and nons3ensical errors populating my writing lately. You see, I am posting most of these from my phone. I have big hands and this tiny keyboard is no friend of mine.

I am weary. Not tired, but weary. Worn out, dragged down, beaten down and weary. My body is failing me, it has come to the point where I can no longer hide it. I can not pretend that I am not in pain, it is excruciating. Often bringing me nearly to tears. My allergies are nonstop, my immune system virtually nonexistant. It is like having the flu at its most painful, with the amp turned up to 11 at all times. I can't concentrate, sometimes I can barely walk.

My mind is weary as well. I'm too worn out to really care, yet everything hurts me deeply. This is not an experience I would wish upon anyone. I won't lie, I no longer care if I survive or not. I just want to be able to deal with the now.

However, I am so grateful for the support I have been shown. I am not normally an affectionate person, but a few people in particular mean the world to me right now. The little things they do have helped so much.

Thank you jason for being the best brother I could ask for and never giving up on me even though I've been so selfish at times.

Thank you Kris for truly encompassing what a friendship should consist of. Its a good thing you're such a big guy, that heart wouldnt fit in a lesser body.

Thank you tonya for letting me be part of such a great family.

Thank you katie for listening when I so badly needed someone to hear me.

Thank you matt, for helping me realize what really natte4rs in life even though right now it seems like ill never get that far

And thank you to all the rest of you who have sent so much love my way recently

Right now everything hurts far more than it should but the little gestures are just as amplified

update

Well 2 updates really. One personal, one literary.

I'm feeling a little more positive. Well less sad, more angry. It's progress I suppose. If this is god's way of teaching me patience, it is definitely not working. I still feel incredibly lonely, but I've come to realize that this loneliness is because the cancer is completely out of my control and I've accepted that no one can change that, not even me..

I've started transitioning to an entirely organic diet. It'll take some time, but ridding my body of daily impurities might help, even if only a little. Unfortunately lymphoma wreaks havoc on the system controlling your immune system.

I've had a lot of love sent my way via friends and friends of friends. It means a great deal to know that people care when you feel so down. I'm also pretty excited about seeing a friend who I haven't seen in a very long time. Hopefully soon, its nice having something positive to look forward to.

I go in for my first surgery june 10th. I think its a biopsy of 3 organs to see if the cancer has spread, but honestly I was in so much pain I can't remember what the hell they said it was for.

On the literary side, I've decided to add a few chapters to the first book before resubmitting it. That should be done by this weekend. I'm pretty excited about how it ties the series together.

Loneliness

I am lonely. Deeply, profoundly lonely. Lonely in a way that only trauma can make you feel.

This was my first weekend off in months. Tuesday I see the specialist who will start tests to narrow down the type of cancer and how to treat it. This has obviously thrown me into a deep depression. After all, it isn't everyday you find out you have cancer. Let alone, that you've probably been living with it for two years and it has already done a significant amount of damage to your life.

I was lonely when I decided to move back home. That was a different kind of loneliness. It came with the realization that I no longer had anything keeping me up north. This new loneliness is crushing. Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and never be heard from again and the other wants to live life to it's fullest while I still can.

I wanted one last good, maybe even great, weekend before I found out how long I had, how bad the treatment would be, and how quickly it would begin to destroy me physically. Perhaps this didnt work out because I was broke, maybe i'll try again next weekend. More than likely it won't be the same though.

I wanted to go out and have some fun with friends, so I could escape from the confines of my head. I wanted to forget, if only for a few moments. I want to pretend, for just a few more days, that my life hasn't changed.

Not all who wander are lost.

I feel like my life has been stolen from me.
My hearts been ripped through my chest
My dreams taken away
Hope no longer within my grasp
So many things that will now never be
I fear:
I will never fall in love again
I will never be a father or have a family of my own
I will never be blessed with another broken heart
I won't be here to watch my nephew, or any of the other children I love, grow up
Ill never know the joys or agonies that come with old age
I won't be here to see another decade pass
Ill never have the satisfaction of my work being enjoyed by others
Ill never have the chance to teach my nephew the right way to treat a lady
Ill never know what could have been.

Fear

I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid. In fact, terrified of what will come over the next week. It is a calm fear, a rational one. I know that I can not escape from that which has occupied my mind every second of the last week.

More and more, this is becoming my personal blog and I am ok with that. I feel that I can safely leave my thoughts here. Like you, I have lots of thoughts. I think all the time. In fact, I am even thinking right now.

When I am not busy meditating on how to bring about world peace, or pondering interstellr travel I am often amused by silly, pedantic things. I would probably say that, oh thirty to ninety percent of said thoughts, are not erudian type enlightments. That's probaably a healthy ratio. One can not spend all day daydreaming about the betterment of mankind.

Lately, all of my thoughts have been plagued by the same thing. This incessant, nagging fear. I can not drive it from my mind, even now it lingers.

I am not afraid of dieing. I have had brushes with it in the past. A cancer scare a few years ago changed my perspective and allowed me to exam what good I was doing with my life. I suffereed a stroke because of the meds I was given durng that debacle, which lead to heartfailure as I laid helplessly in the ER. Since then my health has been pretty poor. My old doctor was at a loss to explain why I took ill with such ease and frequence. A simple infected tooth after oral surgery led to a severe intestinal infaction, which still bothers me today. For years now, I have led a very healthy lifestyle and done my best to stay fit, to no avail. Now it seems I may finally know why my body has become so frail.

Last week I went to the urgent care because of a severe stabbing pain in my side under my right lung. It had lasted for days and I finally couldn't handle it any longer. Turns out I had pneumonia and was treated for that. I had my first appointment with my new physician on Friday. We spent a while discussing my medical history and he checked were the pain (which did not go away) was. He found that my liver was being pushed more than 2 inches from its normal spot. This obviously concerned him given my previous cancer scare. He then ordered slew of tests and an ultrasound for this wed (the chest xray from 3 days prior didn't show far enough down). He seemed certain that I have an immune system disorder and had the lab run very specific panels. Ill find out what exactly it is Friday. (No its not the HIV!)

Which brings me to this fear that has followed me like a shadow. All signs point to one thing. This is a very serious condition and I have to make a horrible, almost unthinkable choice.

Do I risk the surgery to have the (possible) large tumor removed with an already compromised immune system? The chances of survival begin to drop dramatically depending on the exact condition and area the tumor is in, from what I've found researching this.

Or do I hold off on surgery to try and treat the immune system disorder, while the tumor continues to grow? The chances of survival are again low because the cancer would be far more advanced and there is no guarantee the immunity condition would improve.

So it seems that I may soon have to decide the manner in which I am going to die. My choice may well be between a slightly higher percent of survival or buying time to accomplish a few more things before I die.

Most people will be lucky and death will come to them swiftly. Me? It seems that I will have to make an impossible choice. I have no regrets in my life and (as far as I know) have wronged no one irrepairably. However, it does seem a shade cruel that this comes so soon after I have realized what it is that I want out of life. At this point the chances of realizing these dreams seem so dim, but I am better off for having known them.

Obscurity

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Much, much more than just my scribblings. I've decided this would be a convenient place to leave them, until I'm ready to decide if they're more than just confusion and pointless frustration.

You see, confusion and frustration, are just about the only two things I have felt in a very long time. In order to deal with these unwanted guests, I have learned a new word. Well it is actually a very old word, but it's new to me. It helps to keep me grounded, snapping me away from thoughts that have no place in polite society.

Dayenu.

Dayenu is a hebrew word that translates roughly to "and that would have been enough/sufficient."

Good enough. How often does a person like myself feel like something is good enough? Well until recently, never. In a strange way, I think Dayenu is the lesson I needed to learn when my life began to fall apart. That I had to learn to allow the things in my life to be enough for me. That's not to say I've lost all ambition, in fact its quite the opposite.

How can you ever truly know what you want out of life when you refuse to let anything be good enough for you? I don't think that you can, it serves only to breed heart break and head aches.

Why do you care about any of this? You probably don't, in fact no one even reads this thimg. Ok well one or two people do, but I have no clue who. Its nice to know that occasionally someone is thinking about me enough to click on a link after trudging through the harrowing wastelands of cyberspace just to see what I'm thinking.

We all like to feel like people care about us sometimes, especially when we only have the same two emotions running through our heads like a horrible emo band stuck on repeat. Or good charlotte, fuck those guys.

Thanks for thinking of me, chances are if I'm on your mind this much, you're probably on mine too. Take that in whichever way makes you feel the best. You're welcome.

Remember that part where I said "just about the only two things I've felt" in a good long while? Well, just about would seem to mean that my mind may have done some other stuff as well.

What kind of stuff, you ask? Well two things. Fascinating, exciting things.

Excitement- when was the last time you were truly excited for something? Likne giddy with anticipation? I had that feeling a few days ago. Unfortunately the world was not yet ready to cease conspiring against me, but the feeling itself was pretty amazing after floating for so long through this grey sky.

Fascination - intrigue, curiousity, challenging. To want to see the world the way someone else does. Not just anyone, mind you. Someone who shares that drive, the urge to push and be pushed creatively. A person intelligent enough to understand what lies just past the surface, who not only understands but wants to explore the world' complexities. A woman that is fiercely intelligent, one whose talents and dreams intimidate and seperate her from others. That would be an amazing person, worthy of fascination. Whether that exists beyond my imagination is an entirely different story. Id like to think that person is out there waiting for someone like me to fascinate them as well.