Sunday, December 18, 2011
HEY!!
I've had quite an upswing in views lately, but some are coming from my personal FB account. Who is it? Send me a msg on FB :D
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Hell
Hell is accountability, having to forgive and be forgiven by everyone you've ever done wrong or has wronged you. Including yourself. Why? Because most people will never have enough courage to adequately practice ether in a single lifetime.
We can be better, but we choose not to be. We drink, ravage, and piss our lives away all in a vain attempt to ignore these things. Because of this doubt and guilt, we do not believe that we deserve piece of mind.
There is not nearly enough kindness in this world, our selfishness simply won't allow it.
We can be better, but we choose not to be. We drink, ravage, and piss our lives away all in a vain attempt to ignore these things. Because of this doubt and guilt, we do not believe that we deserve piece of mind.
There is not nearly enough kindness in this world, our selfishness simply won't allow it.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Today is not the day to say, I can be a better person tomorrow.
Not all of us will be given a tomorrow, and only the Universe truly knows which ones.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Every story has an ending.
And this one does before I finished the rest. Hopefully not too much longer on the meat and I will be submitting it along with Resistance. Let's pray that one gets picked up.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
update
I've been pretty damn quiet lately. Sometimes the lack of noise is good. Sometimes the lack of people is better.
I recently submitted a treatment to Stan Lee's POW! Entertainment and am eagerly awaiting a response to that. After a suggestion by a peer reader, I will also be trying my hand at script writing.
I recently submitted a treatment to Stan Lee's POW! Entertainment and am eagerly awaiting a response to that. After a suggestion by a peer reader, I will also be trying my hand at script writing.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
The Prophecy (as told before the centuries tainted and twisted its words)
Seven hundred years might pass.
Tyrannys reign for nearly two centuries shall pass.
The life of superior men grows longer.
While the rest of the world will fade and wander.
As the shadow of death grows ever near.
The evil king will learn to fear
The stars once more will brightly glow.
With it will come warriors nearly invulnerable.
As the Dark King, the dragons false friend, looks helplessly on
He will behind to dread this dawn
Upon the old shores where no elder dares to walk
His crown will be the least of what this army sought.
Tyrannys reign for nearly two centuries shall pass.
The life of superior men grows longer.
While the rest of the world will fade and wander.
As the shadow of death grows ever near.
The evil king will learn to fear
The stars once more will brightly glow.
With it will come warriors nearly invulnerable.
As the Dark King, the dragons false friend, looks helplessly on
He will behind to dread this dawn
Upon the old shores where no elder dares to walk
His crown will be the least of what this army sought.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Rough draft, gives a good idea of what the world is like
An Introduction to Current Ruler of The Agmorian Empire
The Agmorian Empire comprises of the 52 kingdoms under the rule of the Agmorian High Kings. These eight High Kings, one from each of the Agmorian-held Islands, are something of a council led by The High King of the continent island of Agmoria proper. High King Senlo Karath is a fearsome man, commanding respect of both his council and any foolish enough to have met him on the battle-fields. At nearly two hundred years of age, his life has been substantially prolonged by the influence of his magic. He is the eldest of the High Kings and by far the most powerful. Karath wields the rare prismatic channeling stone, which he personally recovered from a rather large dragon's lair. When asked how he obtained it, Karath usually replies, “The creature no longer has any use for trinkets...”.
Only a handful of prismatic crystals are known to exist. High King Karath's personal crystal is the size of a man's fist and sits atop a terrifying looking staff, forged for him by the Dark Light Guardians. The staff itself was slightly over 6 feet long, made of a dark metal with the crystal sitting between three talon-like blades, which split off to surround the crystal and form a two foot long blade at the top. The constant shifting of the prismatic colors had distracted many a fool greedy enough to think they could make it their own.
Karath was notorious for impaling opponents before shooting a blast of energy through them. It was particularly messy. He seemed to take great joy from performing this maneuver. The most famous instance being the battle in which he overthrew his predecessor.
Senlo Karath, or Karath the Destroyer as he was then known, had agreed to meet The High King Candova Almuric the Just in single combat. The victor would decide which faction won the third, and final, Almurian war. When they met in battle, Karath was barely thirty years of age. His opponent was well into his 120th year of reign after taking the throne at age 60. Almuric was at an age most men would never see, but he still possessed a vitality common among great sorcerors. Unlike Karath, Almuric did battle with a great mace. The great mace was heavy, but not as encumbering as one would expect, the alloy was only slightly more than half the weight of normal steel and gleamed bright white in the sun. He had taken the mace from a half giant more than a century before. It had seemed small for a giant, but The High King struck an imposing figure with it in his hands. More important, was the stone embedded into a black gauntlet with spiked knuckles, which he wore on his right hand. The stone was black and oily, the slight colors constantly moving across the surface.
Candova Almuric, was a northmen. A hardy race of people said to have grown larger in the north because they had to wrest their lands from the giants. His chest broad, an impressive silver and red breastplate adorning it. His armor rose into spikes from his shoulders, to keep the giants from trying to stomp the warriors of the north.
Karath had the looks of the nomadic tribes that controlled much of the eastern shores of Agmoria. He was around six feet tall with oily skin and jet black hair. At the time he carried a staff nearly identical to the one he uses today, with the exception of the alloy. He wore light, pitch-black armor consisting of leather leggings with metallic guards and a tight flexible black breastplate, open on his arms except for wrist cuffs. His arms and face with streaked with war paint, standing in stark contrast to the armor he bore. He was completely unknown to nearly all in the Empire until he began to raise an army using terrifying demonstrations of the power he possessed.
It was just before sunset as the two warriors prepared for battle. The twin moons were close together, they would soon overlap. The faint outline of Loz, the neighboring planet, loomed far in the distance. The King would meet his Challenger on the field outside of New Quodus, the capital city of the Agmorian Empire. The field was huge, miles across. It was perfect for a battle between these two powerful adversaries.
As the mighty opponents rushed forth across the serene lawn, massive armies hundreds of yards behind them both, Almuric thrust forth his gauntlet. The ground in front of him began splitting and rising, moving faster than he could run. When the pile of broken land reached a mans height it took form, shaping itself into a menacing golem, charging toward Karath. As the golem closed in, a dozen more began rushing out of the ground behind it.
Karath broke his stride, slamming his staff into the ground with the first golem only yards away. The prismatic crystal sent energy flying in a cone before him, shattering the closest five golems into pieces. Almuric continued his advance, commanding the pieces to reform into one massive thirty foot tall golem, the other seven moving to surround The Destroyer. Karath pulled his staff from the earth. He swung it in a wide twisting circle, before planting it once more. The crystal burst into a ball of light, blasting outward all around him destroying the golems who had moved in to attack.
Almuric had reached his foe, the massive golem rising from its knees behind him. The king leapt into the air bringing his mace ferociously down upon his foe. Karath attempted to block, but the force of the blow broke his staff in two, forcing him to the ground. The King swung upward and around to strike again as Karath scrambled to his feet. He brought the next blow in hard from the right. The destroyer bellowed violently sending a projection of energy into the King's chest. Almuric was sent flying through the air, some 20 yards or more. His mace flew from his hand as he attempted to twist himself to absorb the fall.
Karath wasted no time, he summoned a huge mass of swirling fire. He raised his broken staff above his head, ready to hurl the inferno at his enemy. He arched his back slightly and flung the staff forward, aiming the fireball. Unfortunately, he had not dealt with the gargantuan golem, which kicked him hard in the chest. Karath attempted to summon a force field of energy. He had reacted too slowly, the energy served only to cushion the blow as he was punted nearly four hundred yards back. The fire ball dissipated with a sudden wisp as he summoned forth a large bubble of water to break his fall.
As he hit the bubble, slowing his fall and landing on his feet, it rushed into the air flying toward the golem. The water froze and turned into a giant spike of ice, Karath sprinting behind it. The two opponents rushing toward each other once more. From the ground sprung a massive war hammer and shield, summoned forth by Almuric for his construct. The golem quickly grabbed his gifts, moving at an incredible speed. The Destroyer swung his staff frantically about while rushing forward. Lightning leapt from his staff, striking wildly about. The golem absorbed it, unharmed. Karath bellowed as he swung the shortened staff in a half circle, sending an incredible burst of energy toward the construct. The golem swiftly rose his shield to block it. The force of the blast shattered the shield and the golems arm up to the elbow. Undeterred it swung the war hammer down toward Karath, ready to strike a death blow. Just then, the massive spear of ice slammed into the golems chest yanking it from its feet. The massive body falling toward the ground, about to crush it's creator. The golem fell to pieces, sending a torrent of rubble in it's place. The ice shattered as it fell behind the rubble. A huge chunk slammed into the king, leveling him.
Karath was no longer running. He strode forward confidently with violence in his eyes. He held his staff low, as if he would not need it to finish the High King.
“The battle is not yet won, Destroyer” Growled the High King. His face contorting with rage, even behind his greying red beard.
“Many years ago, you ended the last war when you defeated the Chieftan of the nomadic tribes in the grasslands of Galneka. He met you nobly, in single combat much like we have done today. Do you remember that battle?” Senlo Karath, bastard son of the last Galnerian warrior chief, asked. His gaze meeting the High King's. Their eyes burning with magic, no longer colored like normal men, but a reflection of their stones.
“Of course I remember, boy.” He responded, momentarily feeling fear for the first time in more years than he could remember. He clenched his armored fist, feeling the power surge through his body. Candova Almuric was larger than Karath. Surely he looked intimidating with the sun beginning to set behind him. He cut a striking figure he thought, as the High King should on the battle-field. The Destroyer looked just as menacing, his long black hair had fallen wildly. His chest now bare and well muscled, with blood streaking through his war paint. Only fools forsake armor, even in today’s battles Almuric thought to himself, as he had many times before.
“I remember it well,” He sneered. “I was just a boy, watching helplessly as my father fought a god-like warrior, clearly outmatched. Your constructs destroying the animals he controlled. You offered him mercy... I will not offer it to you.”
“I knew he would not accept it,” The High King replied, tiring of this conversation. “And I will never accept the mercy of a man who destroys the innocent.”
Karath swung his staff upward, the king threw his gauntlet as if he would strike him. A golem leapt forth, with a huge toothy mouth and long clawed hands. Karath sent a blindingly bright blast of energy forth, it tore through the golem as it pounced upon him. Almuric screamed in agony as the energy struck his gauntlet. He dropped his mace, grabbing at his hand. The Destroyer focused another blast, directly into the king's crystal. The energy poured forth, with the king on his knees helplessly, trying to get the gauntlet off as the energy seared through the metal melting into his hand and arm. Finally the crystal exploded, leaving a gaping hole in the molten metal on the kings arm.
Karath walked slowly toward him, the king now gawking at his disfigured arm. He pointed the staff at him, a blast of ice springing out, cooling the metal.
“Why?” The High King Candova Almuric the Just asked, unsure of what he was asking. Unsure of what had happened and how he had been defeated. He could not understand how this vagabond had managed to strip him of his power. He looked up to meet the gaze of the destroyer, his own eyes a dull grey as they had once been when he was a child. Karath smiled wickedly as he plunged the staff's blade into the king's gaping mouth and out the back of his head.
“Kneel!” He bellowed at the dead man's army, which had moved slowly forward to confirm their king's defeat. They moved begrudgingly to their knees, looking on in horror as a massive blast of energy burst from the staff, still in Almuric's mouth.
The Agmorian Empire comprises of the 52 kingdoms under the rule of the Agmorian High Kings. These eight High Kings, one from each of the Agmorian-held Islands, are something of a council led by The High King of the continent island of Agmoria proper. High King Senlo Karath is a fearsome man, commanding respect of both his council and any foolish enough to have met him on the battle-fields. At nearly two hundred years of age, his life has been substantially prolonged by the influence of his magic. He is the eldest of the High Kings and by far the most powerful. Karath wields the rare prismatic channeling stone, which he personally recovered from a rather large dragon's lair. When asked how he obtained it, Karath usually replies, “The creature no longer has any use for trinkets...”.
Only a handful of prismatic crystals are known to exist. High King Karath's personal crystal is the size of a man's fist and sits atop a terrifying looking staff, forged for him by the Dark Light Guardians. The staff itself was slightly over 6 feet long, made of a dark metal with the crystal sitting between three talon-like blades, which split off to surround the crystal and form a two foot long blade at the top. The constant shifting of the prismatic colors had distracted many a fool greedy enough to think they could make it their own.
Karath was notorious for impaling opponents before shooting a blast of energy through them. It was particularly messy. He seemed to take great joy from performing this maneuver. The most famous instance being the battle in which he overthrew his predecessor.
Senlo Karath, or Karath the Destroyer as he was then known, had agreed to meet The High King Candova Almuric the Just in single combat. The victor would decide which faction won the third, and final, Almurian war. When they met in battle, Karath was barely thirty years of age. His opponent was well into his 120th year of reign after taking the throne at age 60. Almuric was at an age most men would never see, but he still possessed a vitality common among great sorcerors. Unlike Karath, Almuric did battle with a great mace. The great mace was heavy, but not as encumbering as one would expect, the alloy was only slightly more than half the weight of normal steel and gleamed bright white in the sun. He had taken the mace from a half giant more than a century before. It had seemed small for a giant, but The High King struck an imposing figure with it in his hands. More important, was the stone embedded into a black gauntlet with spiked knuckles, which he wore on his right hand. The stone was black and oily, the slight colors constantly moving across the surface.
Candova Almuric, was a northmen. A hardy race of people said to have grown larger in the north because they had to wrest their lands from the giants. His chest broad, an impressive silver and red breastplate adorning it. His armor rose into spikes from his shoulders, to keep the giants from trying to stomp the warriors of the north.
Karath had the looks of the nomadic tribes that controlled much of the eastern shores of Agmoria. He was around six feet tall with oily skin and jet black hair. At the time he carried a staff nearly identical to the one he uses today, with the exception of the alloy. He wore light, pitch-black armor consisting of leather leggings with metallic guards and a tight flexible black breastplate, open on his arms except for wrist cuffs. His arms and face with streaked with war paint, standing in stark contrast to the armor he bore. He was completely unknown to nearly all in the Empire until he began to raise an army using terrifying demonstrations of the power he possessed.
It was just before sunset as the two warriors prepared for battle. The twin moons were close together, they would soon overlap. The faint outline of Loz, the neighboring planet, loomed far in the distance. The King would meet his Challenger on the field outside of New Quodus, the capital city of the Agmorian Empire. The field was huge, miles across. It was perfect for a battle between these two powerful adversaries.
As the mighty opponents rushed forth across the serene lawn, massive armies hundreds of yards behind them both, Almuric thrust forth his gauntlet. The ground in front of him began splitting and rising, moving faster than he could run. When the pile of broken land reached a mans height it took form, shaping itself into a menacing golem, charging toward Karath. As the golem closed in, a dozen more began rushing out of the ground behind it.
Karath broke his stride, slamming his staff into the ground with the first golem only yards away. The prismatic crystal sent energy flying in a cone before him, shattering the closest five golems into pieces. Almuric continued his advance, commanding the pieces to reform into one massive thirty foot tall golem, the other seven moving to surround The Destroyer. Karath pulled his staff from the earth. He swung it in a wide twisting circle, before planting it once more. The crystal burst into a ball of light, blasting outward all around him destroying the golems who had moved in to attack.
Almuric had reached his foe, the massive golem rising from its knees behind him. The king leapt into the air bringing his mace ferociously down upon his foe. Karath attempted to block, but the force of the blow broke his staff in two, forcing him to the ground. The King swung upward and around to strike again as Karath scrambled to his feet. He brought the next blow in hard from the right. The destroyer bellowed violently sending a projection of energy into the King's chest. Almuric was sent flying through the air, some 20 yards or more. His mace flew from his hand as he attempted to twist himself to absorb the fall.
Karath wasted no time, he summoned a huge mass of swirling fire. He raised his broken staff above his head, ready to hurl the inferno at his enemy. He arched his back slightly and flung the staff forward, aiming the fireball. Unfortunately, he had not dealt with the gargantuan golem, which kicked him hard in the chest. Karath attempted to summon a force field of energy. He had reacted too slowly, the energy served only to cushion the blow as he was punted nearly four hundred yards back. The fire ball dissipated with a sudden wisp as he summoned forth a large bubble of water to break his fall.
As he hit the bubble, slowing his fall and landing on his feet, it rushed into the air flying toward the golem. The water froze and turned into a giant spike of ice, Karath sprinting behind it. The two opponents rushing toward each other once more. From the ground sprung a massive war hammer and shield, summoned forth by Almuric for his construct. The golem quickly grabbed his gifts, moving at an incredible speed. The Destroyer swung his staff frantically about while rushing forward. Lightning leapt from his staff, striking wildly about. The golem absorbed it, unharmed. Karath bellowed as he swung the shortened staff in a half circle, sending an incredible burst of energy toward the construct. The golem swiftly rose his shield to block it. The force of the blast shattered the shield and the golems arm up to the elbow. Undeterred it swung the war hammer down toward Karath, ready to strike a death blow. Just then, the massive spear of ice slammed into the golems chest yanking it from its feet. The massive body falling toward the ground, about to crush it's creator. The golem fell to pieces, sending a torrent of rubble in it's place. The ice shattered as it fell behind the rubble. A huge chunk slammed into the king, leveling him.
Karath was no longer running. He strode forward confidently with violence in his eyes. He held his staff low, as if he would not need it to finish the High King.
“The battle is not yet won, Destroyer” Growled the High King. His face contorting with rage, even behind his greying red beard.
“Many years ago, you ended the last war when you defeated the Chieftan of the nomadic tribes in the grasslands of Galneka. He met you nobly, in single combat much like we have done today. Do you remember that battle?” Senlo Karath, bastard son of the last Galnerian warrior chief, asked. His gaze meeting the High King's. Their eyes burning with magic, no longer colored like normal men, but a reflection of their stones.
“Of course I remember, boy.” He responded, momentarily feeling fear for the first time in more years than he could remember. He clenched his armored fist, feeling the power surge through his body. Candova Almuric was larger than Karath. Surely he looked intimidating with the sun beginning to set behind him. He cut a striking figure he thought, as the High King should on the battle-field. The Destroyer looked just as menacing, his long black hair had fallen wildly. His chest now bare and well muscled, with blood streaking through his war paint. Only fools forsake armor, even in today’s battles Almuric thought to himself, as he had many times before.
“I remember it well,” He sneered. “I was just a boy, watching helplessly as my father fought a god-like warrior, clearly outmatched. Your constructs destroying the animals he controlled. You offered him mercy... I will not offer it to you.”
“I knew he would not accept it,” The High King replied, tiring of this conversation. “And I will never accept the mercy of a man who destroys the innocent.”
Karath swung his staff upward, the king threw his gauntlet as if he would strike him. A golem leapt forth, with a huge toothy mouth and long clawed hands. Karath sent a blindingly bright blast of energy forth, it tore through the golem as it pounced upon him. Almuric screamed in agony as the energy struck his gauntlet. He dropped his mace, grabbing at his hand. The Destroyer focused another blast, directly into the king's crystal. The energy poured forth, with the king on his knees helplessly, trying to get the gauntlet off as the energy seared through the metal melting into his hand and arm. Finally the crystal exploded, leaving a gaping hole in the molten metal on the kings arm.
Karath walked slowly toward him, the king now gawking at his disfigured arm. He pointed the staff at him, a blast of ice springing out, cooling the metal.
“Why?” The High King Candova Almuric the Just asked, unsure of what he was asking. Unsure of what had happened and how he had been defeated. He could not understand how this vagabond had managed to strip him of his power. He looked up to meet the gaze of the destroyer, his own eyes a dull grey as they had once been when he was a child. Karath smiled wickedly as he plunged the staff's blade into the king's gaping mouth and out the back of his head.
“Kneel!” He bellowed at the dead man's army, which had moved slowly forward to confirm their king's defeat. They moved begrudgingly to their knees, looking on in horror as a massive blast of energy burst from the staff, still in Almuric's mouth.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Templars (tentative title)
It has been 698 years since the world of Dangoria was torn asunder. In that time entire empires have rose and fell. Wars have swept across every continent and ordinary people have discovered the source of their new found magic and bent it to their will.
The Prophecy of the Templars says that exactly 700 years after the heavens burned, a new race of warriors would rise to take back their power. These warriors are believed to be impervious to both the new magic and the old, dark magic.
Their enemies will be numerous and undoubtedly powerful. There are many with an interest in destroying them before they attain their full potential.
In an age where life spans have more than doubled, fear of the Templars set in long ago. 550 years after the fires, the High Kings of Agmoria began the ritualistic cleansing of all children born with the slightest resemblance of a deep magic.
The Dark Light Guardians were re-purposed. They no longer acted as king makers and war council. The Guardians were branded traitors to the empire and went into hiding in order to ensure the prophecy be fulfilled. Their new mission to guard the Templars, so that they might learn to harness their power and destroy the tyrannical rulers of Agmoria.
Across the Great Ocean, in the Old Lands of the Felinra the mighty cat-like people prepare for war. Their fleet of airships nearly complete, they move to cross the Great Ocean for the first time in 3,000 years.
All Felinra are born of the Deep Magic. Their race was formed on the eve of the First Sundering of the heavens, before that they more closely resembled enormous house cats than the graceful warrior people they have become.
The old races once controlled the lands of the Felinra, before finally losing their grip and being driven across the seas. The Felinra were once no more than dignified slaves and mercenaries indentured to their superior humanoid masters. As the race of cat-men grew into maturity, their intelligence continued to increase as well until the time came that they no longer needed the old races to function as a society.
The Great Wars ravaged most of the known world for over 300 years before the old races conceded to leave the Felinra homelands in favor of the lands across the Great Ocean. Their new lands were not as harsh and weren't covered in jungles. The climates cooler and more forgiving on their weaker bodies. Though they had lost the war, they often claimed that they had been blessed with a more bountiful prize than the savages.
The Prophecy of the Templars says that exactly 700 years after the heavens burned, a new race of warriors would rise to take back their power. These warriors are believed to be impervious to both the new magic and the old, dark magic.
Their enemies will be numerous and undoubtedly powerful. There are many with an interest in destroying them before they attain their full potential.
In an age where life spans have more than doubled, fear of the Templars set in long ago. 550 years after the fires, the High Kings of Agmoria began the ritualistic cleansing of all children born with the slightest resemblance of a deep magic.
The Dark Light Guardians were re-purposed. They no longer acted as king makers and war council. The Guardians were branded traitors to the empire and went into hiding in order to ensure the prophecy be fulfilled. Their new mission to guard the Templars, so that they might learn to harness their power and destroy the tyrannical rulers of Agmoria.
Across the Great Ocean, in the Old Lands of the Felinra the mighty cat-like people prepare for war. Their fleet of airships nearly complete, they move to cross the Great Ocean for the first time in 3,000 years.
All Felinra are born of the Deep Magic. Their race was formed on the eve of the First Sundering of the heavens, before that they more closely resembled enormous house cats than the graceful warrior people they have become.
The old races once controlled the lands of the Felinra, before finally losing their grip and being driven across the seas. The Felinra were once no more than dignified slaves and mercenaries indentured to their superior humanoid masters. As the race of cat-men grew into maturity, their intelligence continued to increase as well until the time came that they no longer needed the old races to function as a society.
The Great Wars ravaged most of the known world for over 300 years before the old races conceded to leave the Felinra homelands in favor of the lands across the Great Ocean. Their new lands were not as harsh and weren't covered in jungles. The climates cooler and more forgiving on their weaker bodies. Though they had lost the war, they often claimed that they had been blessed with a more bountiful prize than the savages.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Creativity
I just got home from a midnight screening of Green Lantern and it got my thinker to thunking. Creativity is the driving force in my life. It's what makes me feel special, it's what comforts me when nothing else does, and it's what makes the world a better place for so many people.
Here are some questions on my mind
1) If you could make a construct out of sheer willpower for any reason, what would you make and why?
2)What single thing/series of things has had the most creative influence in your life?
3) What is your muse?
4) what do you want out of life?
Here are some questions on my mind
1) If you could make a construct out of sheer willpower for any reason, what would you make and why?
2)What single thing/series of things has had the most creative influence in your life?
3) What is your muse?
4) what do you want out of life?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Beauty and Loneliness
Loneliness is an acorn accepting it's fate.
Hundreds of feet above,
the trees do not care
Thousands of miles away
the Oceans shed no tears.
The roar of winter ripping through
Its rage grabbing ahold of you
Unto the ground you are thrust
Nothing alive to know you exist
months and even years may pass
you look around, wondering what will pass
eventually you finally see
that nothing matters
Not you. Not me.
The world around us begins to burn
Every spring, this seems to occur.
We sit here waiting on the ground.
The blade of our enemy upon our brow.
We ask the lord what may come
How foolish to think we can change what is done.
Not a damn thing in this world will ever make a difference
Hundreds of feet above,
the trees do not care
Thousands of miles away
the Oceans shed no tears.
The roar of winter ripping through
Its rage grabbing ahold of you
Unto the ground you are thrust
Nothing alive to know you exist
months and even years may pass
you look around, wondering what will pass
eventually you finally see
that nothing matters
Not you. Not me.
The world around us begins to burn
Every spring, this seems to occur.
We sit here waiting on the ground.
The blade of our enemy upon our brow.
We ask the lord what may come
How foolish to think we can change what is done.
Not a damn thing in this world will ever make a difference
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Ze Book
is finished or re-finished.
I am done with the *final* manuscript for The Resistance. It comes to a little over 400 pages. All in all, I'm pretty damn satisfied with it. I've submitted a few more queries, here's hoping that someone wants to read the damn thing.
Maybe this will work out
I am done with the *final* manuscript for The Resistance. It comes to a little over 400 pages. All in all, I'm pretty damn satisfied with it. I've submitted a few more queries, here's hoping that someone wants to read the damn thing.
Maybe this will work out
Sunday, June 5, 2011
getting ready to leave this place behind
It just aint right for people of my kind
Its a simple place
Run by rigid fundamentals
Which even they don't have the capacity to understand
This is a place for people who need direction
Begging for life to show them what to do
There are worse places a body could end up
Unless you're anything like me.
After all not all those who wander are lost.
Don't really know where ill head
Honestly don't give a damn
Its not that I don't care
You just weren't ever worth my time
Its a simple place
Run by rigid fundamentals
Which even they don't have the capacity to understand
This is a place for people who need direction
Begging for life to show them what to do
There are worse places a body could end up
Unless you're anything like me.
After all not all those who wander are lost.
Don't really know where ill head
Honestly don't give a damn
Its not that I don't care
You just weren't ever worth my time
Friday, May 27, 2011
fuck it
I'm so sick of trying to be positive. Words can not even begin to describe how much I hate life right now. Fuck everything.
Fuck these doctors, who act as if I'm a junkie and won't even help me with the pain even as it gets exponentially worse. Having cancer is NOT fucking drug seeking behavior you fuucking cunts! If I just wanted drugs I could get them a whole fuck of a lot cheaper than going through this bullshit. Not to mention the fact that I'm terminally fucking ill and they give me a few days paion meds and expect me to somehow make them last 3 fucking weeks. What the fuck! You know what that makes me want to do? See if there's just enough to end this shit.
FUCK. God fucking damnit I'm so fucking angry and frustrated right now. All I want out of life right now is rest and help dealing with this sh it and I can't get either. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I can accept that things happen for no reason. I've accepted that this. Is going to be a long hard road. Why the fuck can't I get just a little help with it? I'm in hell already.
Fuck these doctors, who act as if I'm a junkie and won't even help me with the pain even as it gets exponentially worse. Having cancer is NOT fucking drug seeking behavior you fuucking cunts! If I just wanted drugs I could get them a whole fuck of a lot cheaper than going through this bullshit. Not to mention the fact that I'm terminally fucking ill and they give me a few days paion meds and expect me to somehow make them last 3 fucking weeks. What the fuck! You know what that makes me want to do? See if there's just enough to end this shit.
FUCK. God fucking damnit I'm so fucking angry and frustrated right now. All I want out of life right now is rest and help dealing with this sh it and I can't get either. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I can accept that things happen for no reason. I've accepted that this. Is going to be a long hard road. Why the fuck can't I get just a little help with it? I'm in hell already.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
adrenaline
Adrenaline pushes beyond our limits, enabling the impossible. Will power alone can make a man seem immortal, unstoppable in his righteousness. I will not fall. I refuse.
There will come a day when I can no longer stand on my own, but this is not that day. I will push myself far beyond my limits until this body fails. Even as I deteriorate my mind grows sharper. As I lay down for the last time it will be with the satisfaction that I lived as a force of nature, unrelenting until my last.
I am content.
There is so much id like to experience yet I am fine without it.
Stop asking "how can I nake it through another day?" And search for a way to help others find that answer.
Love passionately, live fiercely with out regrets, and cherish every day. You may not believe in you, but it doe3snt matter because I do.
There will come a day when I can no longer stand on my own, but this is not that day. I will push myself far beyond my limits until this body fails. Even as I deteriorate my mind grows sharper. As I lay down for the last time it will be with the satisfaction that I lived as a force of nature, unrelenting until my last.
I am content.
There is so much id like to experience yet I am fine without it.
Stop asking "how can I nake it through another day?" And search for a way to help others find that answer.
Love passionately, live fiercely with out regrets, and cherish every day. You may not believe in you, but it doe3snt matter because I do.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
the weary kind
First of all, let me apologize for the spelling, gramatical, and nons3ensical errors populating my writing lately. You see, I am posting most of these from my phone. I have big hands and this tiny keyboard is no friend of mine.
I am weary. Not tired, but weary. Worn out, dragged down, beaten down and weary. My body is failing me, it has come to the point where I can no longer hide it. I can not pretend that I am not in pain, it is excruciating. Often bringing me nearly to tears. My allergies are nonstop, my immune system virtually nonexistant. It is like having the flu at its most painful, with the amp turned up to 11 at all times. I can't concentrate, sometimes I can barely walk.
My mind is weary as well. I'm too worn out to really care, yet everything hurts me deeply. This is not an experience I would wish upon anyone. I won't lie, I no longer care if I survive or not. I just want to be able to deal with the now.
However, I am so grateful for the support I have been shown. I am not normally an affectionate person, but a few people in particular mean the world to me right now. The little things they do have helped so much.
Thank you jason for being the best brother I could ask for and never giving up on me even though I've been so selfish at times.
Thank you Kris for truly encompassing what a friendship should consist of. Its a good thing you're such a big guy, that heart wouldnt fit in a lesser body.
Thank you tonya for letting me be part of such a great family.
Thank you katie for listening when I so badly needed someone to hear me.
Thank you matt, for helping me realize what really natte4rs in life even though right now it seems like ill never get that far
And thank you to all the rest of you who have sent so much love my way recently
Right now everything hurts far more than it should but the little gestures are just as amplified
I am weary. Not tired, but weary. Worn out, dragged down, beaten down and weary. My body is failing me, it has come to the point where I can no longer hide it. I can not pretend that I am not in pain, it is excruciating. Often bringing me nearly to tears. My allergies are nonstop, my immune system virtually nonexistant. It is like having the flu at its most painful, with the amp turned up to 11 at all times. I can't concentrate, sometimes I can barely walk.
My mind is weary as well. I'm too worn out to really care, yet everything hurts me deeply. This is not an experience I would wish upon anyone. I won't lie, I no longer care if I survive or not. I just want to be able to deal with the now.
However, I am so grateful for the support I have been shown. I am not normally an affectionate person, but a few people in particular mean the world to me right now. The little things they do have helped so much.
Thank you jason for being the best brother I could ask for and never giving up on me even though I've been so selfish at times.
Thank you Kris for truly encompassing what a friendship should consist of. Its a good thing you're such a big guy, that heart wouldnt fit in a lesser body.
Thank you tonya for letting me be part of such a great family.
Thank you katie for listening when I so badly needed someone to hear me.
Thank you matt, for helping me realize what really natte4rs in life even though right now it seems like ill never get that far
And thank you to all the rest of you who have sent so much love my way recently
Right now everything hurts far more than it should but the little gestures are just as amplified
Thursday, May 19, 2011
update
Well 2 updates really. One personal, one literary.
I'm feeling a little more positive. Well less sad, more angry. It's progress I suppose. If this is god's way of teaching me patience, it is definitely not working. I still feel incredibly lonely, but I've come to realize that this loneliness is because the cancer is completely out of my control and I've accepted that no one can change that, not even me..
I've started transitioning to an entirely organic diet. It'll take some time, but ridding my body of daily impurities might help, even if only a little. Unfortunately lymphoma wreaks havoc on the system controlling your immune system.
I've had a lot of love sent my way via friends and friends of friends. It means a great deal to know that people care when you feel so down. I'm also pretty excited about seeing a friend who I haven't seen in a very long time. Hopefully soon, its nice having something positive to look forward to.
I go in for my first surgery june 10th. I think its a biopsy of 3 organs to see if the cancer has spread, but honestly I was in so much pain I can't remember what the hell they said it was for.
On the literary side, I've decided to add a few chapters to the first book before resubmitting it. That should be done by this weekend. I'm pretty excited about how it ties the series together.
I'm feeling a little more positive. Well less sad, more angry. It's progress I suppose. If this is god's way of teaching me patience, it is definitely not working. I still feel incredibly lonely, but I've come to realize that this loneliness is because the cancer is completely out of my control and I've accepted that no one can change that, not even me..
I've started transitioning to an entirely organic diet. It'll take some time, but ridding my body of daily impurities might help, even if only a little. Unfortunately lymphoma wreaks havoc on the system controlling your immune system.
I've had a lot of love sent my way via friends and friends of friends. It means a great deal to know that people care when you feel so down. I'm also pretty excited about seeing a friend who I haven't seen in a very long time. Hopefully soon, its nice having something positive to look forward to.
I go in for my first surgery june 10th. I think its a biopsy of 3 organs to see if the cancer has spread, but honestly I was in so much pain I can't remember what the hell they said it was for.
On the literary side, I've decided to add a few chapters to the first book before resubmitting it. That should be done by this weekend. I'm pretty excited about how it ties the series together.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Loneliness
I am lonely. Deeply, profoundly lonely. Lonely in a way that only trauma can make you feel.
This was my first weekend off in months. Tuesday I see the specialist who will start tests to narrow down the type of cancer and how to treat it. This has obviously thrown me into a deep depression. After all, it isn't everyday you find out you have cancer. Let alone, that you've probably been living with it for two years and it has already done a significant amount of damage to your life.
I was lonely when I decided to move back home. That was a different kind of loneliness. It came with the realization that I no longer had anything keeping me up north. This new loneliness is crushing. Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and never be heard from again and the other wants to live life to it's fullest while I still can.
I wanted one last good, maybe even great, weekend before I found out how long I had, how bad the treatment would be, and how quickly it would begin to destroy me physically. Perhaps this didnt work out because I was broke, maybe i'll try again next weekend. More than likely it won't be the same though.
I wanted to go out and have some fun with friends, so I could escape from the confines of my head. I wanted to forget, if only for a few moments. I want to pretend, for just a few more days, that my life hasn't changed.
This was my first weekend off in months. Tuesday I see the specialist who will start tests to narrow down the type of cancer and how to treat it. This has obviously thrown me into a deep depression. After all, it isn't everyday you find out you have cancer. Let alone, that you've probably been living with it for two years and it has already done a significant amount of damage to your life.
I was lonely when I decided to move back home. That was a different kind of loneliness. It came with the realization that I no longer had anything keeping me up north. This new loneliness is crushing. Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and never be heard from again and the other wants to live life to it's fullest while I still can.
I wanted one last good, maybe even great, weekend before I found out how long I had, how bad the treatment would be, and how quickly it would begin to destroy me physically. Perhaps this didnt work out because I was broke, maybe i'll try again next weekend. More than likely it won't be the same though.
I wanted to go out and have some fun with friends, so I could escape from the confines of my head. I wanted to forget, if only for a few moments. I want to pretend, for just a few more days, that my life hasn't changed.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Not all who wander are lost.
I feel like my life has been stolen from me.
My hearts been ripped through my chest
My dreams taken away
Hope no longer within my grasp
So many things that will now never be
I fear:
I will never fall in love again
I will never be a father or have a family of my own
I will never be blessed with another broken heart
I won't be here to watch my nephew, or any of the other children I love, grow up
Ill never know the joys or agonies that come with old age
I won't be here to see another decade pass
Ill never have the satisfaction of my work being enjoyed by others
Ill never have the chance to teach my nephew the right way to treat a lady
Ill never know what could have been.
My hearts been ripped through my chest
My dreams taken away
Hope no longer within my grasp
So many things that will now never be
I fear:
I will never fall in love again
I will never be a father or have a family of my own
I will never be blessed with another broken heart
I won't be here to watch my nephew, or any of the other children I love, grow up
Ill never know the joys or agonies that come with old age
I won't be here to see another decade pass
Ill never have the satisfaction of my work being enjoyed by others
Ill never have the chance to teach my nephew the right way to treat a lady
Ill never know what could have been.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Fear
I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid. In fact, terrified of what will come over the next week. It is a calm fear, a rational one. I know that I can not escape from that which has occupied my mind every second of the last week.
More and more, this is becoming my personal blog and I am ok with that. I feel that I can safely leave my thoughts here. Like you, I have lots of thoughts. I think all the time. In fact, I am even thinking right now.
When I am not busy meditating on how to bring about world peace, or pondering interstellr travel I am often amused by silly, pedantic things. I would probably say that, oh thirty to ninety percent of said thoughts, are not erudian type enlightments. That's probaably a healthy ratio. One can not spend all day daydreaming about the betterment of mankind.
Lately, all of my thoughts have been plagued by the same thing. This incessant, nagging fear. I can not drive it from my mind, even now it lingers.
I am not afraid of dieing. I have had brushes with it in the past. A cancer scare a few years ago changed my perspective and allowed me to exam what good I was doing with my life. I suffereed a stroke because of the meds I was given durng that debacle, which lead to heartfailure as I laid helplessly in the ER. Since then my health has been pretty poor. My old doctor was at a loss to explain why I took ill with such ease and frequence. A simple infected tooth after oral surgery led to a severe intestinal infaction, which still bothers me today. For years now, I have led a very healthy lifestyle and done my best to stay fit, to no avail. Now it seems I may finally know why my body has become so frail.
Last week I went to the urgent care because of a severe stabbing pain in my side under my right lung. It had lasted for days and I finally couldn't handle it any longer. Turns out I had pneumonia and was treated for that. I had my first appointment with my new physician on Friday. We spent a while discussing my medical history and he checked were the pain (which did not go away) was. He found that my liver was being pushed more than 2 inches from its normal spot. This obviously concerned him given my previous cancer scare. He then ordered slew of tests and an ultrasound for this wed (the chest xray from 3 days prior didn't show far enough down). He seemed certain that I have an immune system disorder and had the lab run very specific panels. Ill find out what exactly it is Friday. (No its not the HIV!)
Which brings me to this fear that has followed me like a shadow. All signs point to one thing. This is a very serious condition and I have to make a horrible, almost unthinkable choice.
Do I risk the surgery to have the (possible) large tumor removed with an already compromised immune system? The chances of survival begin to drop dramatically depending on the exact condition and area the tumor is in, from what I've found researching this.
Or do I hold off on surgery to try and treat the immune system disorder, while the tumor continues to grow? The chances of survival are again low because the cancer would be far more advanced and there is no guarantee the immunity condition would improve.
So it seems that I may soon have to decide the manner in which I am going to die. My choice may well be between a slightly higher percent of survival or buying time to accomplish a few more things before I die.
Most people will be lucky and death will come to them swiftly. Me? It seems that I will have to make an impossible choice. I have no regrets in my life and (as far as I know) have wronged no one irrepairably. However, it does seem a shade cruel that this comes so soon after I have realized what it is that I want out of life. At this point the chances of realizing these dreams seem so dim, but I am better off for having known them.
More and more, this is becoming my personal blog and I am ok with that. I feel that I can safely leave my thoughts here. Like you, I have lots of thoughts. I think all the time. In fact, I am even thinking right now.
When I am not busy meditating on how to bring about world peace, or pondering interstellr travel I am often amused by silly, pedantic things. I would probably say that, oh thirty to ninety percent of said thoughts, are not erudian type enlightments. That's probaably a healthy ratio. One can not spend all day daydreaming about the betterment of mankind.
Lately, all of my thoughts have been plagued by the same thing. This incessant, nagging fear. I can not drive it from my mind, even now it lingers.
I am not afraid of dieing. I have had brushes with it in the past. A cancer scare a few years ago changed my perspective and allowed me to exam what good I was doing with my life. I suffereed a stroke because of the meds I was given durng that debacle, which lead to heartfailure as I laid helplessly in the ER. Since then my health has been pretty poor. My old doctor was at a loss to explain why I took ill with such ease and frequence. A simple infected tooth after oral surgery led to a severe intestinal infaction, which still bothers me today. For years now, I have led a very healthy lifestyle and done my best to stay fit, to no avail. Now it seems I may finally know why my body has become so frail.
Last week I went to the urgent care because of a severe stabbing pain in my side under my right lung. It had lasted for days and I finally couldn't handle it any longer. Turns out I had pneumonia and was treated for that. I had my first appointment with my new physician on Friday. We spent a while discussing my medical history and he checked were the pain (which did not go away) was. He found that my liver was being pushed more than 2 inches from its normal spot. This obviously concerned him given my previous cancer scare. He then ordered slew of tests and an ultrasound for this wed (the chest xray from 3 days prior didn't show far enough down). He seemed certain that I have an immune system disorder and had the lab run very specific panels. Ill find out what exactly it is Friday. (No its not the HIV!)
Which brings me to this fear that has followed me like a shadow. All signs point to one thing. This is a very serious condition and I have to make a horrible, almost unthinkable choice.
Do I risk the surgery to have the (possible) large tumor removed with an already compromised immune system? The chances of survival begin to drop dramatically depending on the exact condition and area the tumor is in, from what I've found researching this.
Or do I hold off on surgery to try and treat the immune system disorder, while the tumor continues to grow? The chances of survival are again low because the cancer would be far more advanced and there is no guarantee the immunity condition would improve.
So it seems that I may soon have to decide the manner in which I am going to die. My choice may well be between a slightly higher percent of survival or buying time to accomplish a few more things before I die.
Most people will be lucky and death will come to them swiftly. Me? It seems that I will have to make an impossible choice. I have no regrets in my life and (as far as I know) have wronged no one irrepairably. However, it does seem a shade cruel that this comes so soon after I have realized what it is that I want out of life. At this point the chances of realizing these dreams seem so dim, but I am better off for having known them.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Obscurity
I've had a lot on my mind lately. Much, much more than just my scribblings. I've decided this would be a convenient place to leave them, until I'm ready to decide if they're more than just confusion and pointless frustration.
You see, confusion and frustration, are just about the only two things I have felt in a very long time. In order to deal with these unwanted guests, I have learned a new word. Well it is actually a very old word, but it's new to me. It helps to keep me grounded, snapping me away from thoughts that have no place in polite society.
Dayenu.
Dayenu is a hebrew word that translates roughly to "and that would have been enough/sufficient."
Good enough. How often does a person like myself feel like something is good enough? Well until recently, never. In a strange way, I think Dayenu is the lesson I needed to learn when my life began to fall apart. That I had to learn to allow the things in my life to be enough for me. That's not to say I've lost all ambition, in fact its quite the opposite.
How can you ever truly know what you want out of life when you refuse to let anything be good enough for you? I don't think that you can, it serves only to breed heart break and head aches.
Why do you care about any of this? You probably don't, in fact no one even reads this thimg. Ok well one or two people do, but I have no clue who. Its nice to know that occasionally someone is thinking about me enough to click on a link after trudging through the harrowing wastelands of cyberspace just to see what I'm thinking.
We all like to feel like people care about us sometimes, especially when we only have the same two emotions running through our heads like a horrible emo band stuck on repeat. Or good charlotte, fuck those guys.
Thanks for thinking of me, chances are if I'm on your mind this much, you're probably on mine too. Take that in whichever way makes you feel the best. You're welcome.
Remember that part where I said "just about the only two things I've felt" in a good long while? Well, just about would seem to mean that my mind may have done some other stuff as well.
What kind of stuff, you ask? Well two things. Fascinating, exciting things.
Excitement- when was the last time you were truly excited for something? Likne giddy with anticipation? I had that feeling a few days ago. Unfortunately the world was not yet ready to cease conspiring against me, but the feeling itself was pretty amazing after floating for so long through this grey sky.
Fascination - intrigue, curiousity, challenging. To want to see the world the way someone else does. Not just anyone, mind you. Someone who shares that drive, the urge to push and be pushed creatively. A person intelligent enough to understand what lies just past the surface, who not only understands but wants to explore the world' complexities. A woman that is fiercely intelligent, one whose talents and dreams intimidate and seperate her from others. That would be an amazing person, worthy of fascination. Whether that exists beyond my imagination is an entirely different story. Id like to think that person is out there waiting for someone like me to fascinate them as well.
You see, confusion and frustration, are just about the only two things I have felt in a very long time. In order to deal with these unwanted guests, I have learned a new word. Well it is actually a very old word, but it's new to me. It helps to keep me grounded, snapping me away from thoughts that have no place in polite society.
Dayenu.
Dayenu is a hebrew word that translates roughly to "and that would have been enough/sufficient."
Good enough. How often does a person like myself feel like something is good enough? Well until recently, never. In a strange way, I think Dayenu is the lesson I needed to learn when my life began to fall apart. That I had to learn to allow the things in my life to be enough for me. That's not to say I've lost all ambition, in fact its quite the opposite.
How can you ever truly know what you want out of life when you refuse to let anything be good enough for you? I don't think that you can, it serves only to breed heart break and head aches.
Why do you care about any of this? You probably don't, in fact no one even reads this thimg. Ok well one or two people do, but I have no clue who. Its nice to know that occasionally someone is thinking about me enough to click on a link after trudging through the harrowing wastelands of cyberspace just to see what I'm thinking.
We all like to feel like people care about us sometimes, especially when we only have the same two emotions running through our heads like a horrible emo band stuck on repeat. Or good charlotte, fuck those guys.
Thanks for thinking of me, chances are if I'm on your mind this much, you're probably on mine too. Take that in whichever way makes you feel the best. You're welcome.
Remember that part where I said "just about the only two things I've felt" in a good long while? Well, just about would seem to mean that my mind may have done some other stuff as well.
What kind of stuff, you ask? Well two things. Fascinating, exciting things.
Excitement- when was the last time you were truly excited for something? Likne giddy with anticipation? I had that feeling a few days ago. Unfortunately the world was not yet ready to cease conspiring against me, but the feeling itself was pretty amazing after floating for so long through this grey sky.
Fascination - intrigue, curiousity, challenging. To want to see the world the way someone else does. Not just anyone, mind you. Someone who shares that drive, the urge to push and be pushed creatively. A person intelligent enough to understand what lies just past the surface, who not only understands but wants to explore the world' complexities. A woman that is fiercely intelligent, one whose talents and dreams intimidate and seperate her from others. That would be an amazing person, worthy of fascination. Whether that exists beyond my imagination is an entirely different story. Id like to think that person is out there waiting for someone like me to fascinate them as well.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
an update
Well spring has almost come and gone and I've yet to sell the first book of the war journal series. I must concede that I've been somewhat distracted by a decidedly hectic few changes in life. However, I am nearly ready to resubmit the first book (one must save up for printer cartridges to produce manuscripts) and work has begun on early story points for not only Turning Point and Ten Years Gone, but also a foundation for a drastically different novel(s).
Timelines have been constructed, major plot points worked out, and brainstorming is in full gear.
"It's not the man who loses control that you should worry about, its the one who has lost everything and is unflinching that has become truly dangerous." - Raul Castonova
Timelines have been constructed, major plot points worked out, and brainstorming is in full gear.
"It's not the man who loses control that you should worry about, its the one who has lost everything and is unflinching that has become truly dangerous." - Raul Castonova
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