Loneliness

I am lonely. Deeply, profoundly lonely. Lonely in a way that only trauma can make you feel.

This was my first weekend off in months. Tuesday I see the specialist who will start tests to narrow down the type of cancer and how to treat it. This has obviously thrown me into a deep depression. After all, it isn't everyday you find out you have cancer. Let alone, that you've probably been living with it for two years and it has already done a significant amount of damage to your life.

I was lonely when I decided to move back home. That was a different kind of loneliness. It came with the realization that I no longer had anything keeping me up north. This new loneliness is crushing. Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and never be heard from again and the other wants to live life to it's fullest while I still can.

I wanted one last good, maybe even great, weekend before I found out how long I had, how bad the treatment would be, and how quickly it would begin to destroy me physically. Perhaps this didnt work out because I was broke, maybe i'll try again next weekend. More than likely it won't be the same though.

I wanted to go out and have some fun with friends, so I could escape from the confines of my head. I wanted to forget, if only for a few moments. I want to pretend, for just a few more days, that my life hasn't changed.