Fear

I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid. In fact, terrified of what will come over the next week. It is a calm fear, a rational one. I know that I can not escape from that which has occupied my mind every second of the last week.

More and more, this is becoming my personal blog and I am ok with that. I feel that I can safely leave my thoughts here. Like you, I have lots of thoughts. I think all the time. In fact, I am even thinking right now.

When I am not busy meditating on how to bring about world peace, or pondering interstellr travel I am often amused by silly, pedantic things. I would probably say that, oh thirty to ninety percent of said thoughts, are not erudian type enlightments. That's probaably a healthy ratio. One can not spend all day daydreaming about the betterment of mankind.

Lately, all of my thoughts have been plagued by the same thing. This incessant, nagging fear. I can not drive it from my mind, even now it lingers.

I am not afraid of dieing. I have had brushes with it in the past. A cancer scare a few years ago changed my perspective and allowed me to exam what good I was doing with my life. I suffereed a stroke because of the meds I was given durng that debacle, which lead to heartfailure as I laid helplessly in the ER. Since then my health has been pretty poor. My old doctor was at a loss to explain why I took ill with such ease and frequence. A simple infected tooth after oral surgery led to a severe intestinal infaction, which still bothers me today. For years now, I have led a very healthy lifestyle and done my best to stay fit, to no avail. Now it seems I may finally know why my body has become so frail.

Last week I went to the urgent care because of a severe stabbing pain in my side under my right lung. It had lasted for days and I finally couldn't handle it any longer. Turns out I had pneumonia and was treated for that. I had my first appointment with my new physician on Friday. We spent a while discussing my medical history and he checked were the pain (which did not go away) was. He found that my liver was being pushed more than 2 inches from its normal spot. This obviously concerned him given my previous cancer scare. He then ordered slew of tests and an ultrasound for this wed (the chest xray from 3 days prior didn't show far enough down). He seemed certain that I have an immune system disorder and had the lab run very specific panels. Ill find out what exactly it is Friday. (No its not the HIV!)

Which brings me to this fear that has followed me like a shadow. All signs point to one thing. This is a very serious condition and I have to make a horrible, almost unthinkable choice.

Do I risk the surgery to have the (possible) large tumor removed with an already compromised immune system? The chances of survival begin to drop dramatically depending on the exact condition and area the tumor is in, from what I've found researching this.

Or do I hold off on surgery to try and treat the immune system disorder, while the tumor continues to grow? The chances of survival are again low because the cancer would be far more advanced and there is no guarantee the immunity condition would improve.

So it seems that I may soon have to decide the manner in which I am going to die. My choice may well be between a slightly higher percent of survival or buying time to accomplish a few more things before I die.

Most people will be lucky and death will come to them swiftly. Me? It seems that I will have to make an impossible choice. I have no regrets in my life and (as far as I know) have wronged no one irrepairably. However, it does seem a shade cruel that this comes so soon after I have realized what it is that I want out of life. At this point the chances of realizing these dreams seem so dim, but I am better off for having known them.