Obscurity

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Much, much more than just my scribblings. I've decided this would be a convenient place to leave them, until I'm ready to decide if they're more than just confusion and pointless frustration.

You see, confusion and frustration, are just about the only two things I have felt in a very long time. In order to deal with these unwanted guests, I have learned a new word. Well it is actually a very old word, but it's new to me. It helps to keep me grounded, snapping me away from thoughts that have no place in polite society.

Dayenu.

Dayenu is a hebrew word that translates roughly to "and that would have been enough/sufficient."

Good enough. How often does a person like myself feel like something is good enough? Well until recently, never. In a strange way, I think Dayenu is the lesson I needed to learn when my life began to fall apart. That I had to learn to allow the things in my life to be enough for me. That's not to say I've lost all ambition, in fact its quite the opposite.

How can you ever truly know what you want out of life when you refuse to let anything be good enough for you? I don't think that you can, it serves only to breed heart break and head aches.

Why do you care about any of this? You probably don't, in fact no one even reads this thimg. Ok well one or two people do, but I have no clue who. Its nice to know that occasionally someone is thinking about me enough to click on a link after trudging through the harrowing wastelands of cyberspace just to see what I'm thinking.

We all like to feel like people care about us sometimes, especially when we only have the same two emotions running through our heads like a horrible emo band stuck on repeat. Or good charlotte, fuck those guys.

Thanks for thinking of me, chances are if I'm on your mind this much, you're probably on mine too. Take that in whichever way makes you feel the best. You're welcome.

Remember that part where I said "just about the only two things I've felt" in a good long while? Well, just about would seem to mean that my mind may have done some other stuff as well.

What kind of stuff, you ask? Well two things. Fascinating, exciting things.

Excitement- when was the last time you were truly excited for something? Likne giddy with anticipation? I had that feeling a few days ago. Unfortunately the world was not yet ready to cease conspiring against me, but the feeling itself was pretty amazing after floating for so long through this grey sky.

Fascination - intrigue, curiousity, challenging. To want to see the world the way someone else does. Not just anyone, mind you. Someone who shares that drive, the urge to push and be pushed creatively. A person intelligent enough to understand what lies just past the surface, who not only understands but wants to explore the world' complexities. A woman that is fiercely intelligent, one whose talents and dreams intimidate and seperate her from others. That would be an amazing person, worthy of fascination. Whether that exists beyond my imagination is an entirely different story. Id like to think that person is out there waiting for someone like me to fascinate them as well.